In my group therapy and clinical work as well as in discussions with peers, it has come to my attention that many people have this omnipresent idea that something is wrong with them. This belief leads them to be hyper critical of themselves and to believe that they will never be "good enough". In the American context, it leads them to chase after material and superficial goods to "prove" themselves as "good, successful, happy". Yet if one is not happy with themself, nothing else and no one else will make them happy. No one can MAKE you happy, no THING can make you happy. People spend so much energy and time critiquing and evaluating themselves. Many people spend a lot of time and thought Comparing themselves to others. This manifests in a constant Worry of what others think about them. Do others like them? do others think they are good enough? attractive enough? wealthy enough? smart enough?
In my group therapy it is very evident because I am younger by my group-mates by at least 10 years or more. Many of these early to middle adulthood individuals, are bothered by a constant fear and pressure about what others are thinking of them which often is that something is wrong with them or that they are not good enough. Its cool in group because they are able to voice this concern, and check in with the person they have the worry about, and find out their true opinion and almost all the time, the other person has no such negative thoughts at all! I see it with my clients as well some of whom have very low self esteems as a result of being psychologically abused. What another person in their life or particularly the abuser, who in some ways they look up to as a result of some confused concept of love, insults them, even if it is so far-fetched and obviously not true, they fall apart. A random insulting phrase which has no truth whatsoever about their person, will break them down.
In group the other day one of my group mates made a comment about a situation I am in and the way I am proceeding in it. It was rather critical. Another group member jumped in and defended my choices. Upon exploration, it became evident that he often feels criticized, and wishes someone would jump in to protect him, because such a critical comment would upset him. When the man who criticized me contemplated the possibility that I had been offended or hurt by his comment, he decided that he did not think I would have been upset by it. He was right. I actually valued his opinion and agreed on his perspective. It didn't mean I would change my planned course of action, but I would take it into consideration because it was a good point. He explained to me that he thought I was strong in a way, that I could take that type of criticism. I agreed and tried to understand it. I imagined a container, inside me, and it was pretty solid and sturdy. When people criticize me (depending who and about what of course) but when it has to do with something regarding my Self, most comments just bounce off. They do not threaten to damage my Self that is held inside that container. The man who had stepped in to defend me, realized that his container has holes in it. that not all the time but sometimes those comments jump in and hurt him at that core place of Self.
Its interesting because this topic has come up a few times. I usually am the one saying -well I dont really care if people like me or not, when I walk into a room I think hm who will I like, if someone doesnt like me then its either their problem, or maybe its something we can talk about. The other group members often think more along the lines of "oh no, what are these people going to think of me? I hope they dont dislike me because of XYZ, oh no I did XYZ they probably think I'm ___any range of bad things__.
The irony, at the end of the day, is that now I sit here thinking, "what is wrong with me...that I Don't think anything is wrong with me!"
I've read a lot about psychology and I really feel a lot of it is due to my parents. So much of the person you develop to be especially in young adulthood, has to do with your childhood and how it shaped you. Relationships with parents are re-created in relationships with partners. Life choices are influenced by your sense of self. my parents raised me in a safe, respectful, comfortable home and supported me in following my passions. When I was 4 years old and decided I no longer wanted to eat meat, they allowed it. When at 12 I wanted to paint my room 4 different colors and put Save the rainforest posters on the celiing, they let me. When at 14 I wanted to go to Costa Rica for a summer program, they let me. When at 20 I wanted to go to India for a summer, they let me. They have always supported me and not criticized me. They did not abuse or traumatize me. They have a healthy relationship and have been together for 40 years. As I have been learning more and more about psychology and how your family effects you so much, I thank my parents!
My mom is glad I feel this way but maintains that I have always known what I wanted and who I was and never really let anyone tell me otherwise. One of my dads favorite stories about knowing our personalities from a young age between my brother and I, is about us at aroud age 2, eating in our high chairs. My brother would be given something to eat that he didnt really like, and he would look at them and chew it up slowly. I on the other hand, would spit it out across the room, throw a fit and demand whatever it was that I wanted to eat instead. So there is the nature vs. nurture debate for you.
but I can't help but wonder if there is another level of spirituality to this sense of self and desire. I was born into a pretty bad situation in a poor area of a 3rd world country to a family that could not support me. I was then adopted to this wonderful family and given a lot of opportunities which I have endeavored to make the most of. I wonder if on some level in some lifetime, I knew what I wanted, and even once I was born, decided that no, that is not the life I wanted, give me a different one, and I got it.
Another possibility which a Serbian Nun I met at a chanting yoga class mentioned, is that I am so grateful and thankful for what I was blessed with, that that is why I now have a career and life goal which is to help people...
by now Im rambling and have work to do.......
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