On music

I stopped listening to music about 2 years ago. It was strange, I was very heartbroken and listened to the same 2 soulful r&b artists, india arie and anthony hamilton if you must know, beautiful singers, and then when i stopped being heartbroken I basically just left off of music. I think to an extent it was because the songs then reminded me of a painful time which I wanted to forget. And I didnt find new artists that I liked. but i just gave up pretty quickly on looking. When I do hear it I appreciate it. and think to myself oh i should really listen to music more. but then i just dont. I gave my ipod away. you walk down the street or sit on the subway and nearly everyones got headphones in. I just listen to the world now. It doesnt really cross my mind to listen to music on my own. I think its also somehow connected to how deeply passionate I am. I really wear my heart on my sleeve. and I think sometimes music just brings it out too much. I was in a taxi and there was a Spanish love song playing and it was just so overwhelmingly beautiful I burst into tears. its exhausting.

An email to a friend at 4am about passion

anything having to do with animals or the earth instantly touches some deep part of my soul. interesting that i ended up going with humans as my focus. my first passions as a child were animals and the environment.  i used to be obsessed with turning out the lights. running around after my parents turning the lights off as soon as they walked out of the room. i wish i could know myself as a kid. kind of vain but i feel like i was kinda gypped (sp?). cuz kids are just such open passionate entitities. i think if someones sad they should think about what made them happy as a kid. it probably still will. 

clouds are incredible. earth is so goddamn amazing it makes my blood curdle to think of the audacity of humans to destroy it for ourselves. it blows my mind that humans lived on earth for thousands of years but the amount of destruction and damage we have caused in the past 200 years is irreversible and tragic. did you know 95% of the Redwoods have been destroyed? sinful.

sometimes its exhausting being so damn passionate. do you ever just wana give up and study brand marketing for luxury purses? lol ok thats pushing it but ya know do u ever just want a normal regular job instead of fighting the MAN (interesting gender reference-see I can't turn it off!) to help people? especially when its so goddamn unrewarding in any material sense. like your job now your bust your butt and its for an incredible cause but im sure that stipend doesnt do much for your wallet. sometimes i just want to walk into a finance bank and i dono do some type of protest. paint myself with fake blood and bruises and say im the person they stepped on to do what they do. i dono. itd be an interesting statement. just to do Something that gets someone goddamn attention from that world. but yea, maybe getting arrested for a public statement like that, maybe get a newspaper article or at least a youtube clip of doing something extreme. sometimes i hate coloring within the lines, wait who am I kidding, I always hate coloring within the lines. i just want to shake shit up. theres so much passion balled up inside me and it just emanates waves of intense emotion. like i just believe so hard in the cause we are dedicated to, of helping people in need, that i just dont get how anyone can Not have it so i think i should share it forcibly sometimes. 

sometimes i get so frustrated at how our field is so like, intangible and immeasurable ya know? (public health/social work/helping the needy) like sometimes I just feel stupid and like im not good at anything real. we were at the casino and my friend was explaining a game to me and i dono my brain just does Not get some things like that. i love that im dedicated to women but sometimes it just feels so i dono stereotypical like oh of course ur a woman so ur gona care about women. ya know? sometimes i would like to be like, oh your a woman but your fkn amazing at math and thats so badass and impressive. instead i barely got through high school math. and moneywise too like we went to this fancy schmancy restaurant and it was so delicious and beautiful and my friends who are doctors or lawyers or businesspeople can sit there and know that someday theyll be able to live a lifestyle like that. in fkn social work ill be lucky to make ends meet. but yea, some people can go and makes good money at the casino. what skills do i possibly have to make money informally? stripping is about it. thatd be an ironic profession for a feminist. but its true ya know, be a cocktail waitress or something would make probably more money than a community health therapist, but id only get the job if i wear a minidress with cleavage. which is fine i mean use what u got theres no shame in that if u got it flaunt it but its so frustrating sometimes. i studied my ass off to Not have to do that. my field is so undefined and i love that im pioneering it myself i know i wouldnt stand for any more conveyor belt of a profession but, its just exhausting sometimes. i wish i could be the baller one taking everyone to dinner. 

Sometimes my passion overwhelms people. I don't even notice but somehow I keep ending up on a tirade about social justice or oppression in some capacity. I like to make people think and push people out of their comfort zones but sometimes i dont know how I end up talking about sexual abuse when I really just want to enjoy eating my empanada. and after awhile it alienates people. they start to tread carefully around me, like they cant crack a joke or something because ill probably go on a rant about why its disrespectful to some group or another. i would like to learn how to turn it off better.