Waves

The eternal, infallible mountain tops and craters of the waves. I float adrift, my emotions float beside me. They rise up, glowing with love, shouting their faith in it for all to hear, their voices echoing across the water. And then the inevitable lull, the mountain abandons us, and we sink into a valley. My emotions grow dull, colorless, almost disappearing against the dark ocean. I hold my breath and start to fall below the waters surface. My will to float dissentegrates and my body folds inwards and I am no longer buoyed up. Just when I am about to welcome the cold water above my head, the swell returns. I am slowly inched upwards, the wave lifting me up, high above the water and I can see all around me. And my emotions beside me start to chirp with energy, and the wave carries me like a trophy, its pride immersing me. I am ecstatic again, feeling as though nothing can bring me down. Then the mountain recedes, and I descend into the depths again.

sadness

I woke up with an emptiness in the center of my being, I woke up from a dream hugging my elderly dog, he relaxed in my arms and I woke up sad. Not for my dog, he was ok. I woke up sad from a profoundly deep place. Sadness usually hovers around the head, and triggers tears. This sadness is both a weight and an absence. The center of my chest feels tight, but smaller than it should be. It feels like someone is grabbing the heart string connection to my lover, and ripping it out of me. Its like they are pulling it up out of my being, uprooting a plant which has connected its lifelines into my rib cage. I cannot struggle. I cannot fight it. I am weakened by the theft. It hurts in the way when you get a tooth pulled, despite the numbing novacaine, you can still feel and hear and sense that the roots are snapping and breaking, even if there is no acute pain. Its like someone has paralized me. All I can do is sit and feel the roots snapping, and anticipate the gaping hole which will be left. My shoulders feel injured, as if someone overextended them so they are too strained to move. From the pit of my stomach come waves of grumbling, I suppose its hunger, but it feels like simple emphasis of the sadness overwhelming me. There are no tears. It is a deeper moment than what those salty drops can convey. Not being able to struggle against this process is both a relief and torture. In one sense, I have to just accept that there is nothing I can possibly do, relinquishing this control is satisfying at the same time as being scared. I want to be able to stop it from happening, my head reeling and staggering around, my mind bumping into walls and trying doors which are always locked, trying to regain my power. But it is futile. And the terrifying realization that you are locked onto a sinking ship envelops me. And I wait for the sea.

Rain

the rain is the most soothing relaxation music available. The quiet footsteps of the raindrops, soaring downwards from the sky to the earth. Nourishing their mother after skydiving from the clouds.
Just take that moment will you? to listen to the rain.

Take that moment, to walk barefoot in the mud. Don't worry about the squishy squelching in between your toes. Don't concern yourself with the spitter spatter mud leaping onto your clothing.

Have you ever immersed yourself in the downpour? Have you simply given into the joy of being drenched down to your bones.

Have you realized that this water this life force which we are made of is a gift? Millions of tiny gifts pirouetting down to all of us.

and yet people shirk it. they badmouth it.

this rain that only tries to present itself to us in all its glory. To share its music with us so that we may thank the sky the ocean the mother for blessing us with these pieces of her heart.

The other end

I've been wandering blind, stumbling into a downward spiral of confusion and negativity. I thought I was doing what I wanted, but in fact I couldn't hear my own voice. So deeply ingrained were the societal norms and social pressures that I didn't even realize they weren't coming from within me. I've released all control and fear. I don't want to force things to be a certain way, I don't even want to expend the energy to get angry about past wrongs. I don't want to choose suffering when there is pain. I want to allow it wash through me and over me and when its gone stand up and brush myself off. I've learned so much about myself and life in the past week it makes my head spin. And the lesson came in the most uncanny form. But the overall experience was that I was reduced to facing my deepest most painful fears and realizing that I was stronger than them.

I realized that love in any form is about nothing more than sharing peace together. Love is not conditional, love is not infected or toxic or scared. Love is not demanded or organized into neat orderly rows. Love is messy and muddy and still the most desirable experience in the world. Love will reduce you to your weakest self yet still lead you onto a path of strength. Love sometimes makes you fall flat on your face and the question is not how many scrapes you have or how many tears are shed. The question is how do you find the strength to get up, dust off and keep on going. "There is no such thing as regret, because at one time, that was exactly what you wanted". All you can do is learn from the choices that you made and the consequences that they brought. You can spend your life trying to understand someone else, trying to get inside their head and figure out exactly what they were thinking. Or you can step back, let go, and say, this is me. Here is my love. Please, handle it with care not because I'm making you but because you want to. Demands are an illusion. One cannot control anything else except themselves. When you are able to realize this and accept that the only way you can be happy is to be true to yourself, and stop allowing others to control you, you will feel the weight lifted from you.