I've been thinking about the concept of distance when it comes to people. There are two types; emotional distance and physical distance.
Some people you can see only once in awhile and it doesn't feel like a day has passed in between. I saw a friend this weekend that I had not seen in 6 years, and it felt totally casual and normal. Then I have friends that if I don't talk to them or see them each week, I feel like I am far from them.
In the early 20s is a difficult time for friendships because in todays culture in the USA, many college graduates move around especially when there is such a job shortage people go wherever there is employment. So people are often separating and traveling around the country or the world during this decade of life in particular. Friends who one was close with in college, because they lived down the hall and you hung out every weekend, now may fade away when they move away. Others will stay in touch utilizing technology to keep updated and connected. But technology can also serve as merely a facade. It can cause friendships to reduced to an online "writing on the wall" or commenting on photos, these superficial interactions taking the place of actual phone conversations.
it can be deceptive however, when a friend, or partner, is physically present but emotionally distant. You can tell them how you feel but you can't really tell them what to do to improve the situation. Emotional distance is not a space which is easily crossed. It is subtle, intangible.
My uncle, who has been married 4 times, said to me "the loneliest I have ever been was in a relationship that wasn't working" So don't think that just because someone is there With you, in person, that it means you two are close. Have you had friends who are conveniently located and you hang out all the time, but when you move apart, you no longer have anything to say to them? I have also experienced the opposite, a friend who I knew but for a few days, and years later, can still call them up or see them and it feels so completely comfortable.
It's the same energy you feel when you meet a new person you connect with, they Feel close to you, familiar to you, you are at ease around them, emotionally distant people upon first meeting can be vague, uninterested, and make you uncomfortable or apathetic, others however are warm and friendly, social skills tips include using a persons name 3 times after you meet them to make sure you will remember it and recognize that person in the future, using someones name makes someone feel close, which is why a nickname can be even more intimate.
When you're out with people who you are familiar or unknown to, try to feel the emotional distance between yourself and others, and among others as well...who are you closest to? is there anyone you are physically apart from but emotionally close to, or emotionally far even though you see them all the time? consider...
Friday, July 23, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
on Touch
I was reading today in a book I picked up about yoga, and it mentioning how essential physical touch is to humans. I went about my day in new york, navigating the subways, walking through parks, waiting in line at the grocery store, even going to therapy, and I realized, I didn't touch anyone! Even the merest brush of an arm against another causes people to shy away! when you sit on the subway people scoot over so as to give you more space but really, so that they will not touch you. This week I was on the train at one point during rush hour, and there was human touch, the inevitable bumping into each other as the train swayed and it annoyed me! I hated that some other sweaty person was leaning on me and I couldn't wait for the ride to be over and the doors to open.
But i think the other extreme is that so many people Only touch as a prelude to sexual interaction. Even then the touch is often minimal. There is a rush to just get down to the business of intercourse. Many people have intercourse which you would think is the ultimate form of close physical intimacy, without really touching! Parts of their body touch, but it is for a purpose for one selfish goal of reaching a climax of energy and then the two may go on their way. In this culture sex has become impersonal. Sex is everywhere, on tv in the movies on billboards in clothing stores in music, and its just about attraction and pleasure-achieving a goal of pleasure, not enjoying pleasure. Even sex feels like something one has to do in society to achieve a certain status or external approval of their own attractiveness which translates for many into their own worth.
It seems like people only use actual touch if they are very deeply connected lovers, or maybe just starting out with a new lover, but really it seems rare.
I have found that among female friends there is more touching. Girls will hug each other or link arms or use body language including touch. But males rarely, hardly ever touch each other because of the constant pervasiveness of homophobia. Females and males do not touch often unless there is a sexual undertone. Its like to touch a friend of the opposite sex for anything more than a friendly hug, creates all types of confusing messages.
In other cultures, for example where people kiss on the cheek whenever they see each other, touch is much more of a norm. and people seem happier and more comfortable.
Yoga is all about being IN touch with yourself and touching yourself, some of the poses require you to hug yourself or hold your feet, and i think this is also an important aspect.
I like the parallel between being "in touch" and touching...there is a reason they are the same word...
But i think the other extreme is that so many people Only touch as a prelude to sexual interaction. Even then the touch is often minimal. There is a rush to just get down to the business of intercourse. Many people have intercourse which you would think is the ultimate form of close physical intimacy, without really touching! Parts of their body touch, but it is for a purpose for one selfish goal of reaching a climax of energy and then the two may go on their way. In this culture sex has become impersonal. Sex is everywhere, on tv in the movies on billboards in clothing stores in music, and its just about attraction and pleasure-achieving a goal of pleasure, not enjoying pleasure. Even sex feels like something one has to do in society to achieve a certain status or external approval of their own attractiveness which translates for many into their own worth.
It seems like people only use actual touch if they are very deeply connected lovers, or maybe just starting out with a new lover, but really it seems rare.
I have found that among female friends there is more touching. Girls will hug each other or link arms or use body language including touch. But males rarely, hardly ever touch each other because of the constant pervasiveness of homophobia. Females and males do not touch often unless there is a sexual undertone. Its like to touch a friend of the opposite sex for anything more than a friendly hug, creates all types of confusing messages.
In other cultures, for example where people kiss on the cheek whenever they see each other, touch is much more of a norm. and people seem happier and more comfortable.
Yoga is all about being IN touch with yourself and touching yourself, some of the poses require you to hug yourself or hold your feet, and i think this is also an important aspect.
I like the parallel between being "in touch" and touching...there is a reason they are the same word...
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
"something is wrong with me"
In my group therapy and clinical work as well as in discussions with peers, it has come to my attention that many people have this omnipresent idea that something is wrong with them. This belief leads them to be hyper critical of themselves and to believe that they will never be "good enough". In the American context, it leads them to chase after material and superficial goods to "prove" themselves as "good, successful, happy". Yet if one is not happy with themself, nothing else and no one else will make them happy. No one can MAKE you happy, no THING can make you happy. People spend so much energy and time critiquing and evaluating themselves. Many people spend a lot of time and thought Comparing themselves to others. This manifests in a constant Worry of what others think about them. Do others like them? do others think they are good enough? attractive enough? wealthy enough? smart enough?
In my group therapy it is very evident because I am younger by my group-mates by at least 10 years or more. Many of these early to middle adulthood individuals, are bothered by a constant fear and pressure about what others are thinking of them which often is that something is wrong with them or that they are not good enough. Its cool in group because they are able to voice this concern, and check in with the person they have the worry about, and find out their true opinion and almost all the time, the other person has no such negative thoughts at all! I see it with my clients as well some of whom have very low self esteems as a result of being psychologically abused. What another person in their life or particularly the abuser, who in some ways they look up to as a result of some confused concept of love, insults them, even if it is so far-fetched and obviously not true, they fall apart. A random insulting phrase which has no truth whatsoever about their person, will break them down.
In group the other day one of my group mates made a comment about a situation I am in and the way I am proceeding in it. It was rather critical. Another group member jumped in and defended my choices. Upon exploration, it became evident that he often feels criticized, and wishes someone would jump in to protect him, because such a critical comment would upset him. When the man who criticized me contemplated the possibility that I had been offended or hurt by his comment, he decided that he did not think I would have been upset by it. He was right. I actually valued his opinion and agreed on his perspective. It didn't mean I would change my planned course of action, but I would take it into consideration because it was a good point. He explained to me that he thought I was strong in a way, that I could take that type of criticism. I agreed and tried to understand it. I imagined a container, inside me, and it was pretty solid and sturdy. When people criticize me (depending who and about what of course) but when it has to do with something regarding my Self, most comments just bounce off. They do not threaten to damage my Self that is held inside that container. The man who had stepped in to defend me, realized that his container has holes in it. that not all the time but sometimes those comments jump in and hurt him at that core place of Self.
Its interesting because this topic has come up a few times. I usually am the one saying -well I dont really care if people like me or not, when I walk into a room I think hm who will I like, if someone doesnt like me then its either their problem, or maybe its something we can talk about. The other group members often think more along the lines of "oh no, what are these people going to think of me? I hope they dont dislike me because of XYZ, oh no I did XYZ they probably think I'm ___any range of bad things__.
The irony, at the end of the day, is that now I sit here thinking, "what is wrong with me...that I Don't think anything is wrong with me!"
I've read a lot about psychology and I really feel a lot of it is due to my parents. So much of the person you develop to be especially in young adulthood, has to do with your childhood and how it shaped you. Relationships with parents are re-created in relationships with partners. Life choices are influenced by your sense of self. my parents raised me in a safe, respectful, comfortable home and supported me in following my passions. When I was 4 years old and decided I no longer wanted to eat meat, they allowed it. When at 12 I wanted to paint my room 4 different colors and put Save the rainforest posters on the celiing, they let me. When at 14 I wanted to go to Costa Rica for a summer program, they let me. When at 20 I wanted to go to India for a summer, they let me. They have always supported me and not criticized me. They did not abuse or traumatize me. They have a healthy relationship and have been together for 40 years. As I have been learning more and more about psychology and how your family effects you so much, I thank my parents!
My mom is glad I feel this way but maintains that I have always known what I wanted and who I was and never really let anyone tell me otherwise. One of my dads favorite stories about knowing our personalities from a young age between my brother and I, is about us at aroud age 2, eating in our high chairs. My brother would be given something to eat that he didnt really like, and he would look at them and chew it up slowly. I on the other hand, would spit it out across the room, throw a fit and demand whatever it was that I wanted to eat instead. So there is the nature vs. nurture debate for you.
but I can't help but wonder if there is another level of spirituality to this sense of self and desire. I was born into a pretty bad situation in a poor area of a 3rd world country to a family that could not support me. I was then adopted to this wonderful family and given a lot of opportunities which I have endeavored to make the most of. I wonder if on some level in some lifetime, I knew what I wanted, and even once I was born, decided that no, that is not the life I wanted, give me a different one, and I got it.
Another possibility which a Serbian Nun I met at a chanting yoga class mentioned, is that I am so grateful and thankful for what I was blessed with, that that is why I now have a career and life goal which is to help people...
by now Im rambling and have work to do.......
In my group therapy it is very evident because I am younger by my group-mates by at least 10 years or more. Many of these early to middle adulthood individuals, are bothered by a constant fear and pressure about what others are thinking of them which often is that something is wrong with them or that they are not good enough. Its cool in group because they are able to voice this concern, and check in with the person they have the worry about, and find out their true opinion and almost all the time, the other person has no such negative thoughts at all! I see it with my clients as well some of whom have very low self esteems as a result of being psychologically abused. What another person in their life or particularly the abuser, who in some ways they look up to as a result of some confused concept of love, insults them, even if it is so far-fetched and obviously not true, they fall apart. A random insulting phrase which has no truth whatsoever about their person, will break them down.
In group the other day one of my group mates made a comment about a situation I am in and the way I am proceeding in it. It was rather critical. Another group member jumped in and defended my choices. Upon exploration, it became evident that he often feels criticized, and wishes someone would jump in to protect him, because such a critical comment would upset him. When the man who criticized me contemplated the possibility that I had been offended or hurt by his comment, he decided that he did not think I would have been upset by it. He was right. I actually valued his opinion and agreed on his perspective. It didn't mean I would change my planned course of action, but I would take it into consideration because it was a good point. He explained to me that he thought I was strong in a way, that I could take that type of criticism. I agreed and tried to understand it. I imagined a container, inside me, and it was pretty solid and sturdy. When people criticize me (depending who and about what of course) but when it has to do with something regarding my Self, most comments just bounce off. They do not threaten to damage my Self that is held inside that container. The man who had stepped in to defend me, realized that his container has holes in it. that not all the time but sometimes those comments jump in and hurt him at that core place of Self.
Its interesting because this topic has come up a few times. I usually am the one saying -well I dont really care if people like me or not, when I walk into a room I think hm who will I like, if someone doesnt like me then its either their problem, or maybe its something we can talk about. The other group members often think more along the lines of "oh no, what are these people going to think of me? I hope they dont dislike me because of XYZ, oh no I did XYZ they probably think I'm ___any range of bad things__.
The irony, at the end of the day, is that now I sit here thinking, "what is wrong with me...that I Don't think anything is wrong with me!"
I've read a lot about psychology and I really feel a lot of it is due to my parents. So much of the person you develop to be especially in young adulthood, has to do with your childhood and how it shaped you. Relationships with parents are re-created in relationships with partners. Life choices are influenced by your sense of self. my parents raised me in a safe, respectful, comfortable home and supported me in following my passions. When I was 4 years old and decided I no longer wanted to eat meat, they allowed it. When at 12 I wanted to paint my room 4 different colors and put Save the rainforest posters on the celiing, they let me. When at 14 I wanted to go to Costa Rica for a summer program, they let me. When at 20 I wanted to go to India for a summer, they let me. They have always supported me and not criticized me. They did not abuse or traumatize me. They have a healthy relationship and have been together for 40 years. As I have been learning more and more about psychology and how your family effects you so much, I thank my parents!
My mom is glad I feel this way but maintains that I have always known what I wanted and who I was and never really let anyone tell me otherwise. One of my dads favorite stories about knowing our personalities from a young age between my brother and I, is about us at aroud age 2, eating in our high chairs. My brother would be given something to eat that he didnt really like, and he would look at them and chew it up slowly. I on the other hand, would spit it out across the room, throw a fit and demand whatever it was that I wanted to eat instead. So there is the nature vs. nurture debate for you.
but I can't help but wonder if there is another level of spirituality to this sense of self and desire. I was born into a pretty bad situation in a poor area of a 3rd world country to a family that could not support me. I was then adopted to this wonderful family and given a lot of opportunities which I have endeavored to make the most of. I wonder if on some level in some lifetime, I knew what I wanted, and even once I was born, decided that no, that is not the life I wanted, give me a different one, and I got it.
Another possibility which a Serbian Nun I met at a chanting yoga class mentioned, is that I am so grateful and thankful for what I was blessed with, that that is why I now have a career and life goal which is to help people...
by now Im rambling and have work to do.......
the art of living organization
http://www.artofliving.org/
seems like a really cool international organization using mindfullness techniques to empower and relieve suffering, this is the type of thing I would like to work for someday :-)
travel the world wherever there has been trauma and lead healing workshops through yoga, meditation and counseling!
seems like a really cool international organization using mindfullness techniques to empower and relieve suffering, this is the type of thing I would like to work for someday :-)
travel the world wherever there has been trauma and lead healing workshops through yoga, meditation and counseling!
On Finding the River
I hung up the phone, shaking, tears streaming down my face, anger pulsing through me, its unfamiliar flames burning my insides. I felt lost, I felt helpless. I sobbed, convulsing, being consumed by painful emotions. Being consumed by pain. I had been fighting it, I had been hurriedly putting up walls and building a dam to block the tidal wave of pain. The levys broke and I was drowning. As the pain ate away at my body, the love sprang into action. Love rushed out of my deepest inside to rage against the pain. The two forces wrestled within me, fighting for survival, each determined to destroy the other. I writhed as they battled each other until both were exhausted. And then the three of us, myself, love and pain, collapsed in utter exhaustion. Neither was winning, neither was losing. After such ferocious combat the two were now entirely intertwined. I could not separate them. I could attempt to destroy them both, but I couldn't bring myself to try to destroy love. I had no other choice then, but to come to terms with the fact that they would both be here, inside me, love and pain, and that fueling the fire of war between them, did nothing but drain me of energy.
I took a few deep breaths, tried to calm the waves which made me tremble from the inside out. My breath was shaky as I lay back with my eyes closed. I had to accept it. There was no way to separate the two, I had been using all my energy to fight off Pain and try to protect Love and now I realized, it was impossible. I had to accept it. There was no strategy which would ward off Pain. And there was no battle worth fighting if love was destroyed. There was no end to the fighting, the two powers have and always will be one entity, forever attached to the other.
Life is Suffering. Suffering comes from desire. Let go, there is no control.
These buddhists tenets floated into my mind.
I had read about these and had trouble understanding them. Not until now, in this moment, where I had no choice but to accept the suffering caused by my desire and attachment, did I understand them. "tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worth than the suffering itself" The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho. and also "pain is inevitable, suffering is optional". Those quotes helped me to make sense of this overwhelming sensation. I had spun out of control fallen off of my raft and found myself floating along in a river.
A friend of mine who is familiar with Buddhism was very excited to hear from me because I had found the river. He explained that life is a ever flowing constantly moving river. and I had been trying to swim the other way or swim to the edge or build a boat, to do anything but just relax and float along. Now that I had hit rock bottom, lost all sense of control, and was simply forced to sit with my pain, it became evident to me that I was indeed in this river and it would be a lot less energy sapping to just lay back and enjoy the flow of it.
I realized that I had been trying so hard to control everyone and everything to protect myself from pain. It was my fear of pain that was motivating me so hard in debating what I should or shouldnt do. I had been passing judgement on myself and others for my behavior and choices. Another friend of mine called and explained that all you can do is be aware and observe what you are doing, and know that you are always trying to make the best choice at that time. That you shouldnt blame yourself when things dont turn out well or if you get hurt, because you made a choice that had that risk and thats not a bad thing, thats just being human. Because the situation I was trying to "fix" couldn't really be improved by anything but the passage of time, I felt stuck. I felt stuck because I didnt know what I should do next, in order to most protect myself. I realized then that the Buddhist advice of living in This moment of being Truly Present, and accepting all of the forces which are in motion in this exact moment, thats all that I have to go on. And if I feel that I want to do X, even though I might get hurt, I should still do it, knowing that I might get hurt, but realizing also that I will learn.
This was a very revolutionary experience, I'm not sure if I've explained it appropriately this is just a stream of consciousness draft. But this experience of losing all control and realizing that I could do nothing which would guarantee that I would not get hurt, was so powerful. It helped me to come to terms with the fact that yes, I may feel pain, because where there is love, attachment, desire, there is also pain and suffering. But that my options were to just sit with pain trying to control everything causing myself yet more pain and pushing away love, or allowing the option of love to come out stronger than the pain, but knowing that I too would still be hurt.
It was at once terrifying and liberating. To "relinquish"control, which was really to accept that I had none, to recognize and be aware of what I was doing, to come to terms with the reality that yes, my fear of pain was only serving to cause me more pain, and to accept that well, I will feel pain, and I accept that, and I am not afraid anymore.
I took a few deep breaths, tried to calm the waves which made me tremble from the inside out. My breath was shaky as I lay back with my eyes closed. I had to accept it. There was no way to separate the two, I had been using all my energy to fight off Pain and try to protect Love and now I realized, it was impossible. I had to accept it. There was no strategy which would ward off Pain. And there was no battle worth fighting if love was destroyed. There was no end to the fighting, the two powers have and always will be one entity, forever attached to the other.
Life is Suffering. Suffering comes from desire. Let go, there is no control.
These buddhists tenets floated into my mind.
I had read about these and had trouble understanding them. Not until now, in this moment, where I had no choice but to accept the suffering caused by my desire and attachment, did I understand them. "tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worth than the suffering itself" The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho. and also "pain is inevitable, suffering is optional". Those quotes helped me to make sense of this overwhelming sensation. I had spun out of control fallen off of my raft and found myself floating along in a river.
A friend of mine who is familiar with Buddhism was very excited to hear from me because I had found the river. He explained that life is a ever flowing constantly moving river. and I had been trying to swim the other way or swim to the edge or build a boat, to do anything but just relax and float along. Now that I had hit rock bottom, lost all sense of control, and was simply forced to sit with my pain, it became evident to me that I was indeed in this river and it would be a lot less energy sapping to just lay back and enjoy the flow of it.
I realized that I had been trying so hard to control everyone and everything to protect myself from pain. It was my fear of pain that was motivating me so hard in debating what I should or shouldnt do. I had been passing judgement on myself and others for my behavior and choices. Another friend of mine called and explained that all you can do is be aware and observe what you are doing, and know that you are always trying to make the best choice at that time. That you shouldnt blame yourself when things dont turn out well or if you get hurt, because you made a choice that had that risk and thats not a bad thing, thats just being human. Because the situation I was trying to "fix" couldn't really be improved by anything but the passage of time, I felt stuck. I felt stuck because I didnt know what I should do next, in order to most protect myself. I realized then that the Buddhist advice of living in This moment of being Truly Present, and accepting all of the forces which are in motion in this exact moment, thats all that I have to go on. And if I feel that I want to do X, even though I might get hurt, I should still do it, knowing that I might get hurt, but realizing also that I will learn.
This was a very revolutionary experience, I'm not sure if I've explained it appropriately this is just a stream of consciousness draft. But this experience of losing all control and realizing that I could do nothing which would guarantee that I would not get hurt, was so powerful. It helped me to come to terms with the fact that yes, I may feel pain, because where there is love, attachment, desire, there is also pain and suffering. But that my options were to just sit with pain trying to control everything causing myself yet more pain and pushing away love, or allowing the option of love to come out stronger than the pain, but knowing that I too would still be hurt.
It was at once terrifying and liberating. To "relinquish"control, which was really to accept that I had none, to recognize and be aware of what I was doing, to come to terms with the reality that yes, my fear of pain was only serving to cause me more pain, and to accept that well, I will feel pain, and I accept that, and I am not afraid anymore.
Meditations
From a PTSD website
"Here are 9 benefits that you receive from perfecting your guided meditation technique. You will be able to:
Listen to your inner voice for direction, comfort, or inspiration
Center yourself to appreciate the miracles and gifts in your life
Spark your creativity and intuition
Boost your immune system and improve health
Lower your stress
Lift your depression or anxiety
Think more clearly
Relax your mind, body, and spirit
Increase your efficiency and productivity
to Hear some guided meditations:
http://giftfromwithin.org/html/meditate.html
"Here are 9 benefits that you receive from perfecting your guided meditation technique. You will be able to:
Listen to your inner voice for direction, comfort, or inspiration
Center yourself to appreciate the miracles and gifts in your life
Spark your creativity and intuition
Boost your immune system and improve health
Lower your stress
Lift your depression or anxiety
Think more clearly
Relax your mind, body, and spirit
Increase your efficiency and productivity
to Hear some guided meditations:
http://giftfromwithin.org/html/meditate.html
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
on Knowing
can someone really just instinctively, intuitively KNOW something. that would admit that there are forces at work beyond what is tangible, visible or measurable. that some things happen that are not rational, logical, or practical. this idea of Knowing is non-sensical, possibly pathological and incomprehensible to many depending on which plane of awareness one is on.
but, some things, certain things, I just know.
but, some things, certain things, I just know.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
time!
I have a lot to write, so much
about Control, about Self, about Fears, about Suffering, about Risk, about Fighting for what you want.
whats that quote something like "lord grant me the power to change what I can, to accept what I cannot, and the wisdom to know the difference"
I will be back soon with a wealth of information to share with you imaginary blog readers, check back soon :-)
about Control, about Self, about Fears, about Suffering, about Risk, about Fighting for what you want.
whats that quote something like "lord grant me the power to change what I can, to accept what I cannot, and the wisdom to know the difference"
I will be back soon with a wealth of information to share with you imaginary blog readers, check back soon :-)
quotes
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams." The Alchemist
I don’t know
the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please
everybody
"This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man." ~William Shakespeare
Saturday, July 3, 2010
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