sadness

I woke up with an emptiness in the center of my being, I woke up from a dream hugging my elderly dog, he relaxed in my arms and I woke up sad. Not for my dog, he was ok. I woke up sad from a profoundly deep place. Sadness usually hovers around the head, and triggers tears. This sadness is both a weight and an absence. The center of my chest feels tight, but smaller than it should be. It feels like someone is grabbing the heart string connection to my lover, and ripping it out of me. Its like they are pulling it up out of my being, uprooting a plant which has connected its lifelines into my rib cage. I cannot struggle. I cannot fight it. I am weakened by the theft. It hurts in the way when you get a tooth pulled, despite the numbing novacaine, you can still feel and hear and sense that the roots are snapping and breaking, even if there is no acute pain. Its like someone has paralized me. All I can do is sit and feel the roots snapping, and anticipate the gaping hole which will be left. My shoulders feel injured, as if someone overextended them so they are too strained to move. From the pit of my stomach come waves of grumbling, I suppose its hunger, but it feels like simple emphasis of the sadness overwhelming me. There are no tears. It is a deeper moment than what those salty drops can convey. Not being able to struggle against this process is both a relief and torture. In one sense, I have to just accept that there is nothing I can possibly do, relinquishing this control is satisfying at the same time as being scared. I want to be able to stop it from happening, my head reeling and staggering around, my mind bumping into walls and trying doors which are always locked, trying to regain my power. But it is futile. And the terrifying realization that you are locked onto a sinking ship envelops me. And I wait for the sea.