A "New Man"

In my seminar yesterday the instructor, a gifted and experienced clinician from Puerto Rico, was discussing the couple we have been studying and observing him doing therapy with. The man, I'll call him Juan, is Mexican and a lot of the work over the past two years that him and his wife have been in couples therapy, has been working with him to teach him how to express his emotions. Many men in this world still are raised with the idea that to be a man they must never show emotion, expose themselves as emotionally vulnerable in any way and most of all, never cry. This has created an idealized image of a man, a rough and tough character that does not connect in any meaningful way with any woman besides his own mother. Even to a sister his role is to protect and scare off any unworthy suitors. This has produced a population of men who have trouble reaching inside themselves to understand what they are feeling. The most important part of a romantic relationship is communication. Women are socialized to cry almost too easily, to reach out to one another, but most of all to talk and express themselves. Women tend to be very verbal, hence the mockery of those that yap away and never stay quiet, but overall it is a benefit because it helps females get in touch with their emotions. Yes their hormonal cycles every month contribute to a constant ebb and flow of emotions but it is not just the experience of them that is important but rather their ability to identify and explain them to a friend, family member, or partner. The fear of homosexuality has played a pivotal role in lowering the socially excepted standard of being emotional and to be considered masculine. Most boys are teased at some point about being gay, even for the smallest expression of an interest or feeling that does not fit the masculinity definition. I have been surprised how constant of a role ensuring an image of being masculine plays in the lives of my male friends. They must avoid certain colors, certain movies, certain styles, certain activities, even the idea of carrying an umbrella on a hot summer day to protect the face from the sun, was deemed to not be appropriate for a straight man to do. What interests me is for whom is all of this carefully constructed behavior? I would venture to say it is for other men. Many women are attracted to men who are comfortable with who they are and straight men who do not feel their manhood to be questioned or threatened by what tv shows they watch or how they interact with a male friend. The instructor yesterday commented on how many young boys who are close friends at some point begin to receive a message that they are not to get too close with their buddy. Teasing comments about which girls they like are mentioned so as to quell the parental anxiety that their child may not be heterosexual. Hence rigid walls begin to form among male friends; physical interaction is reduced to stiff hugs and firm handshakes. Tears dry up when they are told by society that "boys dont cry". Their emotions are put under lock and key and their feelings which could be construed as weak such as sadness, undergo an immediate transformation into aggression and anger. One client we observed a video of, a middle aged man reflecting on the neglect he felt by his estranged father, actually became physically ill when prodded to get in touch with the sadness he had experienced. This situation where men are so out of touch with emotions and instilled with a deep seeded fear of expressing any type of vulnerability has been a huge disservice to society at large. In couples therapy, it is crucial that both men and women learn to access their emotions and express them coherently to a partner, and that they both are able to deal with painful emotions without sublimating them into other feelings. In the late 1970s the concept of a "new man" was born. Men for the first time were raised to believe that women and men are equal, that it is ok to have male friends and express feelings. In recent years the explosion of movies and sitcoms focusing on a "bromance" where male friends are very close without their heterosexuality being questioned have demonstrated a change in mainstream American culture. Even the increasing acceptance of gay men into society has made the threat and fears somewhat lessened. If a gay man is not afraid to come out and express his emotions and wear whichever colors he wants, and is still proud of who he is, then even straight men can express themselves. There is still a very long way to go for society in accepting homosexuality of course, as evidenced by the recent suicides and violence against gay youth, but things are changing. Hopefully there continues to develop the idea of a new man, one who can express his emotions, cry when he needs to and that this will help not only reduce the amount of needless aggression and anger which often leads to violence, but also contribute positively to the strength of relationships they are in, and the ability for men to create close emotional and meaningful relationships with both friends and partners.