I work as a domestic violence counselor. Today I had the most intense case so far. The extent of the abuse was atrocious and the way this womans mind had adapted into pure survival mode to the point that regular beatings daily were normal is fascinating in its twisted way. But the fact that this woman is My age and she has been dealing with this horrible physical and emotional abuse for nearly a third of her life, is unacceptable.
The more I do this work in relationships the more I see signs that stand out which lead to and define unhealthy and often abusive relationships.
1) lack of a strong, developed sense of self. Without a strong sense of value that you are in fact worthwhile and important, you open up to allow others to approve or disapprove of you. If you are not steadfast in your convictions about how you live your life and the choices you make then you are making yourself too vulnerable to someone elses opinion. You need to LOVE yourself. If you do not first love yourself, you are not allowing anyone else to truly love you. and if you do not believe yourself worthy of being truly loved, you will accept unhealthy and damaging behavior because on some level you believe you deserve it or that you do not deserve or could not find someone who would treat you better. Empower yourself. Ask for happiness. Feel that you deserve happiness. It is not selfish. When you ask to be happy and find ways of Internally making yourself Happy with yourself, no one can take that away from you.
2) The fixer/helper/savior personality trend. While this is clearly the type of personality I have as a helping professional, I have had to carefully monitor this aspect of myself because it has in the past lead me to giving too much and ending up drained. First of all, you cannot CHANGE anyone. Someone can Only change Themselves if they Truly Want to. Most of the time, the person has no reason no impetus to change because the situation is working out fine for them. The fact that you Want them to change does not motivate them on the internal level where the actual changes would need to occur. One needs to evaluate in every potential Giving situation what they are Getting. This does not mean that you cannot be the most generous kind person because what you are GEtting may not be in the same form of what you give. For example, working at a soup kitchen you give the people food but you get the reward of knowing that you have made someone's life a little better. In a relationship if you give and give and give and do not receive back in some form, you Will end up empty. You Will run out, burn out, crash and that is when they have the most power to control you.
3) do not let anyone dictate who you are how you act what you wear or who you interact with. You need to be in charge of those decisions and discerning enough to understand who and what is good and what is bad for you. In my buddhist meditation class today the speaker explained that one approach to meditation is to categorize all the thoughts that pop into your head as positive or negative. Those which make you feel Better after having them "I am grateful, I am appreciative, I am happy" make you Feel better whereas thoughts concerning others such as "what does she think of me, why doesnt he like me, im not good enough' make you feel Bad. If you spend your day crying or lamenting or complaining about something, how do you feel afterwards? If you spend a day appreciating and really enjoying, how do you feel?
4) look into yourself.
know yourself.
be aware of what you are doing and how it is affecting you and your loved ones around you.
do not Ever replace a true friend with a romantic partner. Even the person of your dreams cannot fully complete you, everyone needs friends too.
5) abusive relationships are so common. learn the signs; anger, jealousy, inabiilty to take responsibility for ones actions, lack of maturity, blaming others. and learn the signs in yourself "i want to help him i can change him if i do this then he will treat me well or the most dangerous: it wont happen to me" if you are saying any of those things then find a local counselor asap.
I will continue these thoughts but I wanted to express them for now as it has been a long tiring and trying day.
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